that song is sad! i still like it though! thanks!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 luckily i finished my project at 10:30!!!!

even if you remove the pictures...you'll still see her in your head. the physical things are only a small part of a friendship after all....though they're the most easy to get rid off.

and it is hard to let go....to walk away even when someone's basicially turned away already. so it's not a bad thing that you're asking yourself "what if?". it's understandable....

but it gets better, or so I'm told by Danny.....

sorry for the intrusion. I was just feeling ya.......I just lost one of my best buds too.........

[FearlessPheonix]

I can see where the storyline is heading and it sounds like a good idea, but there are a few changes you might consider.

The opeing paragraph: Try intergrating something that catches the reader's attention. Often a spoken line is a good way to start. But make sure it's nothing like, "Tonight, you die." You also don't want to be too direct and give all the information about how she was created right off the bat. Add it in slowly, and throughout the story. Remember, not all information that is revealed to readers it narrated; it is also often revealed by the character tellling another character.

Describing appearances: I really like how you described the new guy, but don't tell us right away how he came to be there. The character wouldn't know so soon. Also, it's best to not describe yourself (as the main character) so directly. If you were sizing someone up, you would not all of the sudden think about all the details of the way you look. It has to be a bit more subtle. One way you can do it, (though you have to be really careful, and word it correctly) would be to describe the main character when she's looking at herself in the mirror. Preferably when she's unhappy with her appearance, or wondering what she's missing. That way you can list everything you like. Just don't get too into detail. Another way is to have another character refer to a physical characteristic. Ex. "Hey, you should wear your green top, it'll go really good with your red hair."

Wording: The way you've written the story is a little shaky for a few reasons. You start out writing it as if the narrator (main character) were looking back or remebering something. Though this isn't the best way to start a story, acceptable. However, what kind of threw me off was how you all of the sudden switched to present tense, and added dialogue. Dialogue is reserved for present tense, not when remembering. I'm sure you want it in the present tense, so you could go back and change that a bit. Also, I noticed that you were restricting what was happening betweent the people and not including the surroundings very much. To make a story more realistic, you need to include surroundings.

Ex. "With a grimace, I looked around the room and noticed that the only available seat was between Malachai and me. He walked over and pulled out the chair next to me, scraping the floor slightly as he did so before sitting himself down."

Try something like that. It makes a story longer to write and it's not exactly easy to always make sure that the story just barrels on through without stopping to include surroundings, but it's essential.

Something you could include. Here are a few sentences you could possibly use:

-In horror, I found myself wanting to look at him more, to watch his every move and hear this blood rushing through his veins. Instantly, Jacqulene came to mind, who caused us to relocate because of her foolish folly at having a personal relationship with a human.

-I rushed downt the hallway, hoping in vain to get away from Malachai. And, of course, he caught up with me, grabbing my arm right before I turned the corner to the doors that led out to the student parking lot, where my trusty Monte Carlo sat. He turned me to face him.

       "Why did that human bother you so much?" he demanded......

Anyways! I really hoped this helped, and good luck writing your story. One last thing I want to add, is that if you ever find yourself stuck on how to write a certain part, just look in books. Learn to see how other accomplished authors write their stories.

Good Luck!

alice

P.S. Sorry this was so long.

[TheRealAlice]